This is what our move will look like, except our building is taller, pinker, and 1960s-er
There’s nothing like signing a binding contract in a language you don’t know. We got a “translation” of our lease in English, but it isn’t really a translation of the document we signed. It’s what is called a “Convenient Translation,” though we don’t know yet for whom it is designed to be most convenient.
The objective of this document is to let foreigners know the basics of what might be found in the German lease being signed, but of course we don’t know what is actually lurking between “Schlüsselversicherung angeraten” and “Grundstückflächen abgestellt.”
What we do know is that the Convenient Translation requires us to air out the rooms of our new apartment every day “by opening them completely (for at least ten minutes, three times a day)” all while maintaining the temperature in the apartment at 17° Celsius. Read more »
Der Klügere gibt nach. (The cleverer give in.)
–A German Saying
A retired German man was walking in a German city not long ago. He saw a group of people trying to cross the street at a dangerous intersection. The cars wouldn’t stop so some women created a human chain as a barrier to help the others cross. An Audi drove up to the woman-made-chain and pushed their bodies out of the way with his car. The women were shocked; their hands dropped, chain broke, and they didn’t know what to say.
The retired man went over to the Audi and told the driver to stop pushing people around with his car. The man in the Audi opened his car door, got out, and yelled at this thin man who must be in his late sixties. The thin older man pushed the driver back into his Audi and shut the car door. The driver opened the door, got back out of the car, and towered over the old-ish man, yelling some more before driving away. Read more »
People say, Use it or lose it, but I’m here to say, all might not be lost. This German language somehow nestled itself in the folds of my brain. After not using it for almost twenty years, I took a placement test and ended up in the fourth class in the Volkshochschule’s German language series.
I love my German class. We meet four days a week for four hours a day. We’re all immigrants and the group is comprised of people from Bosnia, Iraq, Turkey, Russia, Poland, Korea, Columbia, Brazil, Peru, and Greece. I love being forced to talk to people in German.
Usually at break I talk to a guy who’s a Polish retired policeman, who moved to Germany with his wife and daughter because the standard of living is so much higher here than it is in Poland. His wife works for an elderly woman and my new friend has a pension. Another friend is a mechanical engineer from Turkey. He met his German wife while she was vacationing in his town. A third pal is a young woman from Korea who is practicing for violin auditions this summer. Read more »
I’m not yet sure if the Germans will vouch for me here, don’t know if they’ll go to the trouble to convince their government that I have a worthy skill. This is a common plight for writers and other creative people who pour so much time into artistic pursuits, most of which don’t have a clear monetary correlative. But the truth is, I’m loving the challenge of making my way in a new, more-foreign-than-I-anticipated place.
Meanwhile, a little taste of home now and then is delicious. This morning I got it from a music video that is a big bro-fest in that my three brothers collaborated on it. Ian is the musician featured in the video and it’s his song being played (by him); Devin made the video, meaning he filmed it, directed it, and edited it; and Colin provided the apartment, which is beautifully put together and is in a building Tracy and I used to live in on Seattle’s Capitol Hill.
This is the punch line to one of my favorite jokes. The joke itself I can’t remember, but in the closing image a farmer holds up a pig so it can eat fruit from a tree. A visitor to the farm says something like, “That form of feeding sure seems to take a lot of time.”
To which the farmer replies, “What’s time to a pig?”
This phrase popped into my head yesterday as I left the office where I intended to sign up for a German class. As I wandered home/hotelward, I realized that signing up for a German class was going to be a two-day project. Things take longer here. And if I have anything, it’s time.
One example of something that took some time was trying to convince three people (one after the other) in very broken German (not just broken sentences, but broken words) that I belong in a higher German class than they seemed to think.
Another line of inspiration that has been floating around as I wander through my German life is: Read more »
I’ve recently been wishing for an umlaut rich keyboard, which made me curious about the history of the umlaut. When I typed that curiosity into Google, the first result was “metal umlaut.” Being a dense and literal person, I expected an entry on welding and metal art.
Once I started reading Metal Umlaut, I no longer needed any other information about the umlaut. This entry on Wikipedia is wholly satisfying. It is such good reading that I want to find out who the author is. It is also “the personal favourite of Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.”
This post goes out to KEXP, TuneIn, and YouTube. Many of you probably knew this, but during my first week in Germany I discovered that Pandora, Spotify, NetFlix, and Hulu don’t work here. The limitations have to do with licenses and copyrights and other fascinating particulars.
When you want to watch a little something while eating dinner and you don’t want it to be Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, or Amy Poehler films dubbed in German, that’s when you turn to Joan Rivers for comfort.
My way of saying goodbye to my beloved Denver to Colorado School of Mines carpool buddy was to bum a cigarette from him. As we smoked, he told me he had recently been invited to the parking office at CSM to talk about his parking ticket situation. He owed $1300.
He explained to the parking officials that he parked in the reserved lot when there weren’t any spots in the general lot and that he’d tried to buy a reserved parking pass but had been denied. The parking office’s solution to the $1300 owed was to charge him $100, and give him a reserved lot pass.
I love stories of bureaucratic absurdity, which is perhaps partly why The Trial is one of my favorite books.
I’m currently reading The Trial, not only because I want it fresh in my mind before I attempt to read it in German. I am also reading it because we are mired in bureaucracy and absurdity as we have biometric photos taken; apply for eATs (electronic residence permits); register as residents; open accounts; cancel accounts; learn about federal labor laws, German bank holidays, German pricing schemes for internet, mobile phones, and sitting versus standing at a restaurant; and experience exposure to German words. Read more »
T-Rock, Who Gave Me His Kindle, Knows How to Enter the Next Phase
You know you’re impressionable when you want to change careers with each paper you grade. When I read “Formaldehyde Follies,” I wanted to become a chemist. When I read “The Balance between Piracy and Freedom,” I wanted to become a computer scientist.
Perhaps I’m a little more impressionable than usual since I’m currently finishing one job and searching for the next. The job I need is in Germany and doesn’t require German language skills. I’m moving to the land of Sauerkraut on Sunday.
So far I’ve noticed one outstanding cultural difference between the US and Germany. Tracy, my dude, had to fill out forms for the company that is moving our things to Franconia. The first set of forms was requested by a German moving company and required that everything we own be quantified in number and/or metric feet. For instance, “How many meters of hanging clothes do you have?” “How many parasols?” Read more »
I went to The Muppets this weekend and it is clever, funny, creative, charming, and entertaining. But on the way to the film, my friends and I were trying to determine which Muppet each of us most resembled, and that is when I realized how few of them are female.
I’ve never been a Muppets fan, though I’ve sometimes wished I were. My favorite actresses and characters are generally women. I’m not proud of this fact. It seems a little superficial. I’ve noticed, however, that many men seem to suffer from a similar affliction, preferring male characters and actors. Books and movies in which women are prominent are often pegged as chic lit and chic flicks.
I suppose it’s a little late to revamp the Muppets characters. But what if you could, who might you add?
Or, what sex changes might you suggest? Would traits need to change along with sex? And what does sex for a Muppet mean, anyway? Is it determined by more than voice?
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