Welcome back, everyone. No doubt AWP fulfilled all your wildest hopes and dreams, but there is still one final reckoning to be done. Sure, AWP was great for you. But how about you? Did you fulfill AWP’s expectations?
As someone who did not attend but who used to live in the greater Boston area, I have designed the following quiz to help you assess your level of AWP success/failure.
1. Did you go to the North End and eat a cannoli (or, better yet, several cannoli) at Mike’s Pastry?
2. While you were in the North End, did you eat at that great little trattoria around the corner from Mike’s? No, not the one with all the people out front. The other one, the one with lanky waiters out front who look at you in Italian while wearing long aprons and smoking cigarettes. The one where the Italian grandmother is yelling out the 4th floor window across the street. The one where, to get to the bathroom, you have to squeeze past the bar, into the kitchen, and around that awkward corner where you’re suddenly face-to-face with a line cook. Watch out that no one opens the bathroom door while you’re doing that or you will get a bloody nose. That one. Did you eat there? Because it’s the best Italian restaurant in the Western Hemisphere is all. No, I don’t know the name of it so you can google it. It may not have a name.
3. Did you utter or think the words “park your car in Harvard Yard” at any point during your stay?
4. Did you drive/take the train/hitchhike in the blizzard up to the North Shore and eat fried clams (bellies, not strips, of course) or steamed mussels straight out of Essex Bay?
5. While you were on the North Shore, did you drive out to Halibut Point where I proposed to my wife and watch the harlequin ducks—and eiders, and winter-plummaged loons—riding the breakers into the rocks and then diving and, somehow, barely escaping death and dismemberment again and again, all for the sake of those same magnificent shellfish?
6. Did you order a Sam Adams? (Be honest).
7. Did you try to think of a Cheers reference to make while you were ordering/drinking/paying for that Sam Adams?[Score your quiz after the jump.]
CORRECT ANSWERS: 1. Yes, 2. Yes, 3. No, 4. Yes, 5. Yes, 6. No, 7. No
For each correct answer, award yourself 5 points. For each additional cannoli you ate at Mike’s, add 2 points. For each cannoli you brought me, add 50 points. For each Sam Adams consumed, deduct 5 points. And, while we’re at it, also deduct 5 points per PBR since you and I both know you didn’t actually order it because it was the cheapest thing or because you truly think it’s good beer.
If you scored
30-35: Congratulations, you won AWP!
15-30: AWP is a little disappointed in you, but only a little.
0-15: AWP is very disappointed in you, as am I.
Less than zero: You have brought shame on yourself and on all writers everywhere.