I’m not talking Christmas, or Superbowl Sunday; the weekend long bender that is AWP, or summer break. I’m talking about the most fantastic time in the life of a starving liberal arts student. That date you anticipate on your calendar in late August when looking over a credit card statement whose minimum payment is larger than your grocery bill for that month while you eat ramen that you’ve infused with Thai chili sauce to make your food choice feel slightly more exotic. It’s the time of year where with a good enough sense of denial and a strong imagination you can pretend that you are inheriting a large sum of money from a rich uncle you have never met who has just passed away. That a heist went wrong and you discovered the stashed duffel bag in an abandoned house while walking home late at night from Brooklyn Deli.
That’s right, it’s student loan time! And next Wednesday the elves hard at work at EWU’s financial aid department will mail out hundreds of checks amounting to a shit load of cash. It’s a time of prosperity, of buying unprocessed food and of pretending that tens of thousands of dollars aren’t floating around in space somewhere accruing six percent interest every year.
I have very definite, practical plans as to what I’m going to do with my money this year. However, lately, stuck awake at 3 o’clock in the morning, TV blaring out neon blue light into my bloodshot eyes, syndicated reruns of MASH and Frasier continually hopscotching over one another, these plans give way to elaborate fantasies.
Here’s a list of hopeful purchases I intend to make with the money that I composed midway through a 3:30 episode of Everyone Loves Raymond.
1 and 2. An Industrial Deep Fat Fryer that can cook over 10 pounds of french fries in a minute and The El Nacho Grande Cheese Dispenser. Recently my girlfriend and I became vegetarians. This has been a much healthier lifestyle choice, however the food can be bland at times. A head of lettuce, an artichoke, even a whole zucchini would be greatly improved by being deep-fat fried and injected with nacho cheese.
3. There’s a site I frequent when I’m uncertain of the future and the number in my bank account is negative. It’s called www.privateislandsonline.com. Here you can view entire islands for sale in hundreds of locations across the world. There are some reasonably priced options. On special for only $26,000,000 in the U.S. Virgin Islands is a 510 acre gem called Great Hans Lollik.
4. The Nemo 100 miniature Submarine. Starting at $230,000
5. A Zombie-Proof House: a necessity for the impending apocalypse.
6. Own Real Estate on the Moon. As Seen on TV.
7. One of the Largest Italian Truffles Ever Found. Purchased for $216,000. Also to be deep fat fried and injected with nacho cheese.
8. To Be able to Make it Rain. In fact go beyond that. I want to cause a hurricane. I want it to be monsoon season. To have cash flying everywhere, flinging up handfuls of the stuff from the balcony of my zombie-proof home on my island in the Caribbean.
These are just some preliminary ideas. More than likely the sum will go toward settling outstanding debts, paying bills, and insulating myself against another cruel Spokane winter.
What plans do you have for your student loan checks?